Coping With Pull Factors In Ones Personal Life

Dear Friends,

This week, we’ve reached the final part of our discussion on "pull factors". In this issue, we’ll focus on those closest to us—the people who touch our souls and hearts. Specifically, we’ll explore the demands and expectations imposed on us by family and friends. Sometimes, even if our loved ones don’t explicitly impose these expectations, we might unconsciously create assumptions, projections, or self-imposed obligations about what they "must" need from us.

First and foremost, we are all individuals. "Being an individual" is rooted in survival—staying alive. Later, to sustain that survival, we become part of a "we," experiencing collective survival. In short, humans need community to survive, and cooperation within that community increases our chances of thriving. But as always, balance is key. While we need to belong to a community, we shouldn’t risk our personal well-being by prioritizing others’ expectations over our own.

By the way, as I’ve mentioned before, sometimes we might unnecessarily take on responsibilities for others’ sake—even without their explicit requests—and end up crushed under the weight of these self-assigned duties.

A significant part of our existential "software" is shaped during the first phase of our lives, between ages 0–11. The behavioral algorithms formed during this period are called schemas.

In the context of "pull factors," the most frequently activated schemas are:

· Approval/Recognition-Seeking Schema

· Self-Sacrifice Schema

Underlying these is a childhood-rooted effort to seek external validation and make ourselves "likable" to the world. Even when we no longer need this validation at our current age and stage of life, these habitual algorithms remain active.

The most important tool in our first-aid kit is boundary management. In our relationships, there are limits that should not be crossed or forced between the parties. We must be the ones to draw these lines. Not only should we ensure these boundaries are respected, but we must also be the ones to decide when they should flex or harden based on the realities of the moment and the situation.

Otherwise, we become satellites and punching bags of the external world—this time, the external world close to us. We spend our lives being pulled this way and that, without ever truly living our own lives.

We must hold on to a metaphorical ruler to discern what is valuable and what is not, make autonomous decisions, and shape our lives accordingly.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Because these are people we cannot easily walk away from—they are our loved ones, with whom we will carry on coexisting. They may take offense, they may be surprised, but without letting it dampen our spirits, we must embrace them, confront them, communicate our truths, and seek their understanding. Sometimes, we may even have to accept their disapprobation, discomfort, or emotional distance.

Another issue is that when living for others becomes pathological, we may reach a point where we must "let it go"—accept the risk of loss. We should be braced for this as well. Especially in societies like ours in Turkey, but many others too, mothers struggle to let go of their children, and this self-sacrifice often continues well into the child's adulthood—sometimes even for the rest of their lives.

The great poet Khalil Gibran wrote about people “who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.” In short, we form a bond of love with our loved ones, but this should not come at the cost of our own existence. We should strive to create an order where we exist as we are—respecting boundaries, not violating others' boundaries, and consciously adjusting our own when necessary.

This is a significant challenge for close-knit societies like ours, but it is also our most precious trait: having a circle of unconditional friendship. When we’re in trouble or confused, there are people who will be there for us.

There will always be those who pull us in different directions, but how we position ourselves in relation to them will remain the cornerstone of our happiness in life. Without learning to cope with this, we cannot achieve true well-being.

As this series of bulletins on "pull factors" comes to an end, I plan to cover the intriguing subject of "Our Chakras" in the next issue. It might not be what you think!

After that, the bulletins will continue with an issue on "The 12 Hallmarks of Aging", a concept that gives us surprising insights into the critical subject of healthy longevity. So let’s get ready to pursue the highest levels of well-being. 😊

Feel free to send me topics you’d like me to write about via the comments section.

Until the next issue, stay in good health and spirits please!